When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with how I looked. It didn't matter if I was going to the grocery store or the prom, I had to do my hair and makeup. It never really wore off - probably because of my typical insecurities I didn't want to go "out" without looking "good."
But - sometimes it just doesn't matter.
Even though the evil gallstones are gone, Steve is sicker than ever. Today he had a glass of water, a bite of apple, and a few bites of mini wheats. He isn't complaining about his insisions, he's been complaining about how horrible his stomach feels. I tried to call the surgeons office today - to no avail. No call back.
Tonight, after FINALLY getting crankypants baby down to sleep Steve ventured downstairs for a few minutes. I had just taken the dogs out when I came in to find him getting sick in the sink. That was it for me, I called the Dr on call who happened to be our surgeon. He prescribed an anti-nausea medication at the closest 24 hour pharmacy - 14 miles away. So I take off at about 9:30 at night to the CVS. Only when I walked in did I realize I hadn't even glanced in the mirror at myself. As I stepped up to the pharmacy counter I realized I had the following items on my clothing:
Spitup (Madeline's)
Spitup (Steve's)
A Noodle (?)
A piece of cheese (shredded, not like a slice :)
Crust of crookneck squash
Milk
My hair was in a clippy AND a hair tie and I even had white zit cream on my Vesuvious on my face. I stood there like an idiot - But I didn't have time to care. My poor sick dehidrating husband was at home with a baby he wasn't allowed to lift. I managed to cover the zit cream with the compact I keep in my purse, but there was no helping the rest of me.
Probably good for me - to end up out in public looking my absolute worst so I'll have a bit more perspective on my self esteem.
It's amazing that just when you think you are holding things together by the thinnest of strings, you see you can walk an even tighter rope.
Monday 30 July 2007
Sunday 29 July 2007
Ewwwww
No wonder my husband's been so grumpy latley!! Juuust kidding!! No this isn't a picture of HIS gallbladder, but it's similar to what his looked like after they took it out on Friday. RIP gallstones!
Saturday 28 July 2007
Thursday 26 July 2007
Snap Snap
Yes - this is my "personal" non baby blog....but the other blog is all crazy and won't let me upload pics.
This pic turned out ok. yay!
Wednesday 25 July 2007
Brownies or Reptiles??
The scene_ My husband's home office
Steve is working at his desk, I am sitting on the floor beside him posting like a madwoman on ebay.
For some reason "Mr. Grinch" comes into my head (which, let me tell you, is a welcome relief because for the past 24 hours I've only been singing the "Go Meat" song. "This salad rocks the best - make it easy at your desk!")
Erin: hums Mr. Grinch to herself
Steve: (listening to Coltrane) "Where did that comes from?"
Erin: "I dunno....it just popped into my head."
A few minutes pass
Erin: "Given the choice between you and a sea sick crocodile....I'd take the seasick crocodiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile!" *tap tap tap at the keys*
Steve: Seasick crocdile?
Erin: Yes. I'd take the seasick crocodiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile.
Steve: No. It's, I'd take the CC Crocker girl.
Erin: CC crocker girl? What does that even mean?
Steve: No, you know - like the food...like CC Crocker.
Erin: *squints* You mean like....Betty Crocker?
Steve: "Yeah"
Erin: "No. I really don't think so"
Steve looks up lyrics knowing he is right
STeve: Hmmmmm what do you know...... "I'd take the seasick crocodile."
:)
Steve is working at his desk, I am sitting on the floor beside him posting like a madwoman on ebay.
For some reason "Mr. Grinch" comes into my head (which, let me tell you, is a welcome relief because for the past 24 hours I've only been singing the "Go Meat" song. "This salad rocks the best - make it easy at your desk!")
Erin: hums Mr. Grinch to herself
Steve: (listening to Coltrane) "Where did that comes from?"
Erin: "I dunno....it just popped into my head."
A few minutes pass
Erin: "Given the choice between you and a sea sick crocodile....I'd take the seasick crocodiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile!" *tap tap tap at the keys*
Steve: Seasick crocdile?
Erin: Yes. I'd take the seasick crocodiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile.
Steve: No. It's, I'd take the CC Crocker girl.
Erin: CC crocker girl? What does that even mean?
Steve: No, you know - like the food...like CC Crocker.
Erin: *squints* You mean like....Betty Crocker?
Steve: "Yeah"
Erin: "No. I really don't think so"
Steve looks up lyrics knowing he is right
STeve: Hmmmmm what do you know...... "I'd take the seasick crocodile."
:)
Monday 16 July 2007
If I can stop one heart from breaking
Today was one of the best days I've had in a really long time!!! Usually I am by myself during the day unless we go to a playgroup. But today one of my FAVOURITE students came by to spend the afternoon with me. She just graduated from college and has accepted a job in Greenville, SC. She is going to be teaching High School English and Drama. I can't believe it. It seems like just yesterday I had her in my classroom. She was always incredibly sharp and well spoken. A gorgeous girl inside and out. I remember one day - I think at the beginning of her Senior year she came taring into my classroom (and she rarely tared) and she blurts out "I can't do it! I can't do it!" I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "My whole life I thought I wanted to be an Elementary School teacher....but I was just upstairs listening to them say the pledge of allegiance and it was so slow and loud and I just thought I couldn't do that every day!" I told her it was okay, that she didn't have to be an El ed teacher - that she could be whatever she wanted. We didn't talk much more about it and it pretty much slipped my mind until toward the end of the year she mentioned that she just MIGHT major in English Ed. I knew immediatly that she could do it and encouraged her toward it, but not to worry if something else seemed to interest her too. I told her that most of us changed our majors a skillion times. At graduation in her Valedictorian speech, she mentioned me by name as one who had had an impact on her life she said "after putting me through what I thought was sheer torture, I began to see what a great thing being a teacher was and have chosen to continue my education in the field of English Education."
Talk about being humbled and proud all at the same time. To impact someone who you know is about 472 times smarter than you is quite a feeling.
We kept in pretty good contact through her time at school and especially while she was student teaching. I love nothing more than getting an e-mail from her asking me to remind her of how the preposition song goes or a fun idea for Valentines Day for her kids.
Today, as we sorted through some of my "teacher stuff" she said that she talked to her boyfriend a lot about me. She said, "I told him I just didn't know where I'd be today - that I probably wouldn't have become a teacher if it weren't for you." (or something to that affect) I was just dumbfounded. And, in that moment - as I was putting some of my very own teaching items from my old classroom into a box for her - I was grieving for a chapter in my life that had closed and for her was just beginning. I remembered exactly why I became a teacher.
I was a Sophomore when my boyfriend of 2 years up and broke up with me. It was truly heart wrenching and I, of course, couldn't imagine going on. At that time I was a music major but taking every Lit class I could squeeze in. I had signed up to take Creative Writing my Freshman year and it was a Junior course and I had to get special permission. I chased the professor down and caught her in the stairwell, told her I wanted to take her class, that I was sure I could handle it and so on. I remember - she looked at me for a moment and then signed my paper.
That moment changed my life. Creative Writing was the BEST class I had ever taken by FAR! I had it 7th period and was often tired and grouchy, but found that if I had a good Writing class I had a good day. I was amazed by the teacher - Miss Thompson. She was hilarious and creative and super happy and incredibly talented. She took time to help me and inspire me. After that, I took Shakespeare with her and then any other class I could get into my schedule that she taught. I couldn't tally the hours she spent with me.... helping me diagram compound complex sentences so that I could pass Advanced Grammar. When I memorized a 12 minute speech for an Oral Interp class - she slipped into the back of the classroom to see it. But it wasn't just me - she found a way to be that loving and inspiring to all of her students. You literally couldn't find one person who didn't like her.
When my boyfriend broke up with me - the first place I went? Her office. I remember literally running there - through the 230 feet of snow crying and sobbing that I didn't know what to do with my life. That maybe I should just go home and get a job writing for a paper and forget about college. She calmed me down and just challenged me to think about it. The next day - she came UP to my dorm room - with a yellow smiley face lamp and a nice card - telling me to stay the course and that she was praying for me. When she left, I turned to my roommate and said "If I could be her - if I could do what she does for someone, I would die happy." That's when I decided that I wanted to be an English teacher. I wanted to inspire kids to love Literature, but more importantly I just wanted to impact someone 1/4th of what she did for me." That was the moment I decided to become a teacher. I'm so happy I did.
Teaching was the best thing I ever did. Everyday I woke up just estatic about going to "work" What would my crazy kids do today? Until I met my husband, those were the best 3 years of my life.
Emily has Miss Thompson to thank for the impact I was able to have on her life. The most ironic part of this? They are BOTH living in South Caroline about 15 minutes away from each other - and they've never met.
It was hard going through my teaching stuff. I felt like I was giving Emily a kidney or something. I don't really "need" it to survive, but I feel better having it. I'd much rather it be used than have it sit in my closet. I felt like I was giving her a classroom in a box. Classroom, soul - - one of the two.
I used to think of my students as my kids. I didn't have children of my own at the time and couldn't imagine that their parents loved them more than I did. Now I see what a rediculousness that is. I wouldn't do them the disservice of saying that now that I have my own baby. I am reminded of a quotation from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.
"The time has come at last- when you can no longer stand between your children and heartache. When there was no bread you went without so they would have plenty. And now they leave. They walk out in all innocence and right into the grief that you'd give your life to spare them."
Talk about being humbled and proud all at the same time. To impact someone who you know is about 472 times smarter than you is quite a feeling.
We kept in pretty good contact through her time at school and especially while she was student teaching. I love nothing more than getting an e-mail from her asking me to remind her of how the preposition song goes or a fun idea for Valentines Day for her kids.
Today, as we sorted through some of my "teacher stuff" she said that she talked to her boyfriend a lot about me. She said, "I told him I just didn't know where I'd be today - that I probably wouldn't have become a teacher if it weren't for you." (or something to that affect) I was just dumbfounded. And, in that moment - as I was putting some of my very own teaching items from my old classroom into a box for her - I was grieving for a chapter in my life that had closed and for her was just beginning. I remembered exactly why I became a teacher.
I was a Sophomore when my boyfriend of 2 years up and broke up with me. It was truly heart wrenching and I, of course, couldn't imagine going on. At that time I was a music major but taking every Lit class I could squeeze in. I had signed up to take Creative Writing my Freshman year and it was a Junior course and I had to get special permission. I chased the professor down and caught her in the stairwell, told her I wanted to take her class, that I was sure I could handle it and so on. I remember - she looked at me for a moment and then signed my paper.
That moment changed my life. Creative Writing was the BEST class I had ever taken by FAR! I had it 7th period and was often tired and grouchy, but found that if I had a good Writing class I had a good day. I was amazed by the teacher - Miss Thompson. She was hilarious and creative and super happy and incredibly talented. She took time to help me and inspire me. After that, I took Shakespeare with her and then any other class I could get into my schedule that she taught. I couldn't tally the hours she spent with me.... helping me diagram compound complex sentences so that I could pass Advanced Grammar. When I memorized a 12 minute speech for an Oral Interp class - she slipped into the back of the classroom to see it. But it wasn't just me - she found a way to be that loving and inspiring to all of her students. You literally couldn't find one person who didn't like her.
When my boyfriend broke up with me - the first place I went? Her office. I remember literally running there - through the 230 feet of snow crying and sobbing that I didn't know what to do with my life. That maybe I should just go home and get a job writing for a paper and forget about college. She calmed me down and just challenged me to think about it. The next day - she came UP to my dorm room - with a yellow smiley face lamp and a nice card - telling me to stay the course and that she was praying for me. When she left, I turned to my roommate and said "If I could be her - if I could do what she does for someone, I would die happy." That's when I decided that I wanted to be an English teacher. I wanted to inspire kids to love Literature, but more importantly I just wanted to impact someone 1/4th of what she did for me." That was the moment I decided to become a teacher. I'm so happy I did.
Teaching was the best thing I ever did. Everyday I woke up just estatic about going to "work" What would my crazy kids do today? Until I met my husband, those were the best 3 years of my life.
Emily has Miss Thompson to thank for the impact I was able to have on her life. The most ironic part of this? They are BOTH living in South Caroline about 15 minutes away from each other - and they've never met.
It was hard going through my teaching stuff. I felt like I was giving Emily a kidney or something. I don't really "need" it to survive, but I feel better having it. I'd much rather it be used than have it sit in my closet. I felt like I was giving her a classroom in a box. Classroom, soul - - one of the two.
I used to think of my students as my kids. I didn't have children of my own at the time and couldn't imagine that their parents loved them more than I did. Now I see what a rediculousness that is. I wouldn't do them the disservice of saying that now that I have my own baby. I am reminded of a quotation from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.
"The time has come at last- when you can no longer stand between your children and heartache. When there was no bread you went without so they would have plenty. And now they leave. They walk out in all innocence and right into the grief that you'd give your life to spare them."
Weird
Sometimes when my husband finds out something new about me, he makes this face like I'm the weirdest person he's ever met, which can't be possible because I've met most of his friends! So I thought I'd list some weird things and see if anyone else thinks I'm weird or if HE is the weird one.
1. I hate hate HATE naked pillows. Pillows without pillowcases freak me out. If my hand touches the actual naked pillow I can't sleep.
2. I like most of my drinks at room temperature*
3. I hate coffee but love coffee ice cream, shakes, and frappuccinos
4. I put milk in my hot tea
5. I can't eat my food if it's touching other food
6. Talking about "sloppy joes" literally makes me gag.
7. I love mowing the grass with our big ol' tractor
8. I abhor all forms of exersize. (see I hate it so much I can't even spell it!)
9. I am the worst speller you will ever meet. How this is possible since I was an English major and a voratious reader I'll never know.
10. I am so scared of bugs that if I see ANY bug (even an ant) I trap it under a cup until Steve comes home and make him kill it.
*this is also featured on the "Top Ten Things Jenn hates about Erin" post. My bff Jenn made a list of all the things she hated about me. The top of which was "getting yourself pregnant so you had to quit work." or just "ick, you have a baby inside of you." or "ick it's moving! Make it stop!" And when she held dear Madeline when she was one day old, "So what else does she do..... or does she just.....lie here?"
1. I hate hate HATE naked pillows. Pillows without pillowcases freak me out. If my hand touches the actual naked pillow I can't sleep.
2. I like most of my drinks at room temperature*
3. I hate coffee but love coffee ice cream, shakes, and frappuccinos
4. I put milk in my hot tea
5. I can't eat my food if it's touching other food
6. Talking about "sloppy joes" literally makes me gag.
7. I love mowing the grass with our big ol' tractor
8. I abhor all forms of exersize. (see I hate it so much I can't even spell it!)
9. I am the worst speller you will ever meet. How this is possible since I was an English major and a voratious reader I'll never know.
10. I am so scared of bugs that if I see ANY bug (even an ant) I trap it under a cup until Steve comes home and make him kill it.
*this is also featured on the "Top Ten Things Jenn hates about Erin" post. My bff Jenn made a list of all the things she hated about me. The top of which was "getting yourself pregnant so you had to quit work." or just "ick, you have a baby inside of you." or "ick it's moving! Make it stop!" And when she held dear Madeline when she was one day old, "So what else does she do..... or does she just.....lie here?"
Thursday 12 July 2007
Tripping the Prom Queen
I just finished a book called Tripping the Prom Queen - the eternal struggle between women. It's all about jealousy and how wherever there's a group of girls/women - there's struggle.
I hate that. It's rediculous.
Not to say that I'm impervious - I get jealous over the stupidest of things.....but I just hate it. Mostly, I hate to think about Madeline going through all of the crap I had to go through in Jr High and High School. I remember being so desperate to be in the "in crowd" in my small class of 16. (yes sixteen) Finally, I would say about 10th grade I "made it in" and I was......so disappointed. The girl talked endlessly about clothes, boys, and other girls. I mean, I wasn't looking to talk about Immigration Reform or Kafka or anything......but I just didn't want to be shallow ALL the time. Finally I just gave up and started dressing and acting like me - just Erin - faults and all and then, I was happier (and more popular ironically) than I had ever been when I was "posing."
But still, it was a really rough time. I can't even recall how many times I came home and cried because a girl, or boy, didn't like me. I don't know how my mom did it.
I have to agree that women seem to be naturally competitive. I just don't know why. Maybe it's because we're all so insecure. I remember one girl in my class who was super thin but always did that "I'm so fat" thing. It drove me nuts. I was always a rail and I kept my mouth shut about it. I was happy with it. (though I took it for granted I now see) Now, after my dear baby was born I'm left with a body that still....doesn't feel quite mine. I still look "thin" because I can dress to hide it and I carry most of it in my tummy. But, I feel like I can't really talk about it with anyone because then I'm going to be that annoying girl who is relativly thin - but still thinks she's "fat."
I don't think I'm fat- I just want my old body back!! Everything feels different - my shoulders are wider, my feet are bigger, my stomach is certainly different and my hips I think are permanently widened. I wish I could talk to someone about it, but I don't want people to think I'm anorexic or something.
sigh
See, there is a typical Erin personality flaw......I babble. I go on and on and talk way to much. I wonder if there's something I can take for that.
anywho - back to the topic at hand. I think women are so mean because we're all so stinking insecure. I remember the girls I was the meanest to in High School were the ones I was the most jealous of. It's funny, with my new mom friends we'll sometimes talk about what we don't like about ourselves and I'll think "I never even noticed that" or "I don't see that at all." I think someone said something about her neck or chin or something once and I was like "What are you talking about? your neck looks fine!" I remember feeling jealous of how beautiful and coiffed so many of them were.
Perspective is an amazing thing. Anyone who knows me knows I hate my nose. I hate it so much. When I was working I was considering getting it fixed and my boss came in with an article about a famous model who had a bump in her nose like me and didn't fix it and it became her trademark.
well, I'll remember that should the modeling company be so delusional as to contact me.
I guess, I wish we could all get over ourselves. We're all beautiful. We all have different gifts and talents and that's exactly what I want my daughter around - diversity.
I hate that. It's rediculous.
Not to say that I'm impervious - I get jealous over the stupidest of things.....but I just hate it. Mostly, I hate to think about Madeline going through all of the crap I had to go through in Jr High and High School. I remember being so desperate to be in the "in crowd" in my small class of 16. (yes sixteen) Finally, I would say about 10th grade I "made it in" and I was......so disappointed. The girl talked endlessly about clothes, boys, and other girls. I mean, I wasn't looking to talk about Immigration Reform or Kafka or anything......but I just didn't want to be shallow ALL the time. Finally I just gave up and started dressing and acting like me - just Erin - faults and all and then, I was happier (and more popular ironically) than I had ever been when I was "posing."
But still, it was a really rough time. I can't even recall how many times I came home and cried because a girl, or boy, didn't like me. I don't know how my mom did it.
I have to agree that women seem to be naturally competitive. I just don't know why. Maybe it's because we're all so insecure. I remember one girl in my class who was super thin but always did that "I'm so fat" thing. It drove me nuts. I was always a rail and I kept my mouth shut about it. I was happy with it. (though I took it for granted I now see) Now, after my dear baby was born I'm left with a body that still....doesn't feel quite mine. I still look "thin" because I can dress to hide it and I carry most of it in my tummy. But, I feel like I can't really talk about it with anyone because then I'm going to be that annoying girl who is relativly thin - but still thinks she's "fat."
I don't think I'm fat- I just want my old body back!! Everything feels different - my shoulders are wider, my feet are bigger, my stomach is certainly different and my hips I think are permanently widened. I wish I could talk to someone about it, but I don't want people to think I'm anorexic or something.
sigh
See, there is a typical Erin personality flaw......I babble. I go on and on and talk way to much. I wonder if there's something I can take for that.
anywho - back to the topic at hand. I think women are so mean because we're all so stinking insecure. I remember the girls I was the meanest to in High School were the ones I was the most jealous of. It's funny, with my new mom friends we'll sometimes talk about what we don't like about ourselves and I'll think "I never even noticed that" or "I don't see that at all." I think someone said something about her neck or chin or something once and I was like "What are you talking about? your neck looks fine!" I remember feeling jealous of how beautiful and coiffed so many of them were.
Perspective is an amazing thing. Anyone who knows me knows I hate my nose. I hate it so much. When I was working I was considering getting it fixed and my boss came in with an article about a famous model who had a bump in her nose like me and didn't fix it and it became her trademark.
well, I'll remember that should the modeling company be so delusional as to contact me.
I guess, I wish we could all get over ourselves. We're all beautiful. We all have different gifts and talents and that's exactly what I want my daughter around - diversity.
Thursday 5 July 2007
Memories...light the corner of my mind...or do they?
I recently watched a fascinating episode of 60 minutes. It was an interview with a man who was doing reserach on memory. The long and the short of it was - he THINKS he's found a way to make bad memories go away...or at least become more hazy. I won't go into all of the tests he conducted on lab rats - but even I must admit they were pretty interesting. But of course....it begs the question.....should we reeeeeeeeeeally go fooling around with that stuff? There are many things in my past that I regret. Things I did - things I said...that I would love to have no memory of.....but, does that mean I SHOULD go erasing my memory?? I think I sidestepped some huge pitfalls because I landed in some potholes. If I had wiped my proverbial hard drive...who knows where I 'd be.
Sort of how you BEG God to let you marry your 11th grade boyfriend because you just KNOW he's the right one for you forever?? Then, you see him 10 years later (still working in the movie store) and you just want to hit your knees and thank God that He didn't allow you to marry him?
But who am I to say that large, horrible memories shouldn't be erased. Rape, murder, witnessing hainous crimes....if Madeline saw someone get brutaly beaten or if something horrible happened to her....I wouldn't want that isolated incident to form who she was or what she thought about a certain gender or race. If I could erase it, or make it a little more fuzzy....I would be tempted to.
When I studied Philosophy in College, one of my favourite people to study was Immanuel Kant and his catagorical imperative. Basically.... can the actions I take be applied to everyond? i.e. It's okay for ME to speed because I'm late......Well, if it's ok for you, then it must be ok for everyone else. I.e. Mass Chaos.
If I decide that people who have been through horrible trauma should have access to this procedure - then who decides what is trauma?
2 words - slippery slope.
Sort of how you BEG God to let you marry your 11th grade boyfriend because you just KNOW he's the right one for you forever?? Then, you see him 10 years later (still working in the movie store) and you just want to hit your knees and thank God that He didn't allow you to marry him?
But who am I to say that large, horrible memories shouldn't be erased. Rape, murder, witnessing hainous crimes....if Madeline saw someone get brutaly beaten or if something horrible happened to her....I wouldn't want that isolated incident to form who she was or what she thought about a certain gender or race. If I could erase it, or make it a little more fuzzy....I would be tempted to.
When I studied Philosophy in College, one of my favourite people to study was Immanuel Kant and his catagorical imperative. Basically.... can the actions I take be applied to everyond? i.e. It's okay for ME to speed because I'm late......Well, if it's ok for you, then it must be ok for everyone else. I.e. Mass Chaos.
If I decide that people who have been through horrible trauma should have access to this procedure - then who decides what is trauma?
2 words - slippery slope.
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